if i can run in heels then i can drive
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
