...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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