How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
