my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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