Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
