I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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