On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
