Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
