When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
