well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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