I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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