A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
