upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
