I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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