Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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