We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
