I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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