Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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