the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
