I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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