Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
