Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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