hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
