I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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