I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
