I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
