I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
