Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
