I wish life had little blips of pornography
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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