You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize