i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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