My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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