Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
