Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
