so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
