I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
