I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
