i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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