I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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