She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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