At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
