I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
