your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
