I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The best revenge is premature balding
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
