my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
