So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Pooping to opera.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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