Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
