JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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