glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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