Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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