Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
