i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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