He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
