Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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