I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
