Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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