mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
