Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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