he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
