Don't you send me to vm
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
