I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we're so committed to being not committed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
